ContrariWise

The Not-So-Crazy Crazies


Esteemed drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs has a single three-word critique of a certain kind of genre picture: “too much plot.”  That's a little easy and dismissive, but it does speak to an underlying truth: the best horror and suspense movies have to be easy to follow, or you're in trouble. This particular genre is all about being In The Moment, especially if The Moment is designed to scare the heck out of you, and forcing the audience to pause and say, "Hey, wait a minute: why’s he doing that?  Who’s that guy again? Why is he doing that?" rips the viewer out of that Moment.  Beter to Keep It Simple.  Or even better: Keep It Relentless. 
The Crazies, Brent (Sahara) Eisner's from-the-bottom-up remake of George Romero's little-seen 1973 horror flick, definitely has that problem: way too much plot, too much confusion, for what should be a pretty straightforward story: a government toxin (or virus? Or ... something bad) is accidentally released in a small Ohio town. Exposure to it makes one go gradually, violently insane. And once a few random act of violence have been perpetrated on the small-town citizenry, the U.S. Government at its most sinister sweeps into town to round everybody up -- the healthy, the diseased, and the might-be-either-ones. The local Sherriff and his wife the local doctor must fight off the infected Crazies (who look more and more like your standard Romero zombie the more infected they become) while trying to avoid the equally dangerous U.S. troops in their evil khaki and creepy gas masks, who will just as soon kill or imprison you as look into your red, rheumy eyes.
Simple. Scary.  Bring in the zombies.
Unfortunately, The Crazies isn't that simple, even though it should be. The story is rife with convenient but inexplicable leaps in logic, inconsistent plot points, and an erratic pacing that goes from truly Romero-esque bang-bang chomp-chomp to very long, very slow sneaky-weaky jump-out-of-the-shadow moments that, quite frankly, we've seen a million times befoe.
No question about it, the actors are the best aspect of The Crazies. Timothy Olyphant of Deadwood and Justitifed is the quintessential strong but silent good guy, just like he’s been before and will be again.  Radha Mitchell, the Australian actress best known for Pitch Black, is sympathetic without being weak or stupid, and as surprisingly American doctor-wife. And British actor Joe Anderson, who’s met with unfortunate quasi-supernatural fate before in The Ruins, doesn’t fare much better here as Olyphant’s deputy. In fact, he has the toughest character arc of all, going from charming good ol’ boy to prick to hero in the space of ninety minutes (and with a lot of time off screen). The production values are very high as well, and there are a few "keeper" sequences that will please horror fans regardless of the total package. Expect to hear folks talking about the bone-saw scene, or the pitchfork scene, or the car wash scene, or the truck stop scene. All are terrific .. but all of them,  taken together, comprise about fifteen minutes of the movie. Which leaves a whole lot of waiting around for those few cool moments.
The "wait a minute, what?" interruptions are the real spoilers here. From the very beginning, you find yourself asking, "Wait, is this a toxin? Is it a virus? Is it only carried in the drinking water, or is it airborne, too? If it is in something as ubiquitous as the drinking water, how come some people are affected right away, and others not at all? And what exactly does it do to you? The first couple of victims are not enraged berserkers a la 28 Days Later, or mindless shamblers out of Romero’s Day of the Dead. The first victims look more befuddled than insane; the next set look mildly pissed off but absolutely rational in the stalking and incinerating of his innocent family.  And then the 28 Days contingent show up in full, rotting, glory. That's one of the oddest things about The Crazies: nobody seems all that crazy, at least not for the longest time. Though you can't blame the marketers for that; a movie called "The Sullens" or "The Befuddleds" probably wouldn't do nearly as well with the horror fanbase.
Then there's the completely illogical behavior of the U.S. Government. Not that you don't expect them to be evil -- hell, that's almost a given in horror movies. But you at least expect a certain level of competence as being so evil. After all, they've had plenty of practice.  But here, even though it's obvious very early in the film, barley after the credits, that the U.S. Government is not only behind this but well aware of the accidental infection from the before the beginning, it takes them forever to show up. The Crazy-Juice is a tailored biological agent, after all; the Feds know what it's going to do to the populace. So why do they hesitate on the evacuation until things get really bad? More: they have total satellite camera surveillance (again, we see that in the first three minutes); so why do they have such trouble finding rebellious evacuees and errant Crazies wandering around in broad daylight? Why can't they seem to construct a decent perimeter around a tiny Ohio town of 1,200 -- one sitting out in the open plains no less -- without holes big enough for an eighteen wheeler to drive through -- literally, an eighteen-wheeler.  In fact, if the Feds are as ruthless as they seem, why bother with evacuation at all? Why not initiate the Nuclear Option -- which the do, with only partial success -- right away, rather than day later. It's not like they're ever going to let any of the uninfected back into the public sector anyway -- this is a secret infection.  And thier concern for the well-being of the innocent citizenry is absent from Day One, Hour One.  So get on with it, man!
Maybe, underneath all the illogicality, the biggest problem with The Crazies is the sheer predictability of it all. There's not a scene, a character, or a camera move we haven't seen before, and some quite recently.  Eisner, who showed just how ham-handed he can be with action pictures in Sahara, shows the same unsurprising fumble-fingerosity right here. He isn't content to pull out every one of these well-worn horror-movie tropes a single time; we ge to see them two or there or even four times each. There's the "cheat," where a main character appears in the foreground, entering a scene ... then CAMERA ADJUSTS and oh! there's a bad guy standing right behind her, in the background!  There’s the "offscreen banger," where a Bad Guy gets the drop on a Good Guy -- gun in the face, pitchfork in the air -- and BANG, someone unexpected and unseen, off-screen and off-scene SHOOTS though a window or an open door and DROPS the bad zombie and SAVES the day! And of course there is the classic SHOCK CHORD, when something Bad or Good jumps out of the dark. As if the sudden boo! isn't enough, the director ads a ZINGGG! on the sound track -- which makes you jump in acoustical pain as much as psychological shock. 
It could be worse -- far worse. But there are just way too many been-there-done-that's and way too many questions for what should be an easy, straightforward slice of quasi-zombiesque Theater of the Paranoid pic to make this a worthwhile screamer. 
All that doesn't make The Crazies bad; it just makes it ... not bad.

Super-Bad: The Day the Costumes Killed the Justice Society

We checked in over at Smallville this week. Been a while since we stopped by, and boy, have things changed. Superboy -- d'ah, Clark -- still refuses to fly or wear the stretchy suit, but Lana's gone and Lois Lane, annoying reporter, is in, and Lex is 'dead' -- uh-huh -- and there are so many characters from the DC Universe running around even veterans of the Comics Divison of AAtR International need a scorecard to keep up ... especially when the versions were seeing here are all funhouse-mirror Smallville versions of the characters we know and love.

It's the costumes, y'see. The costumes freak people out, including the producers.

Never was that more true than in the early February episode called "Absolute Justice" (the name itself a pun on a super-deluxe edition of some recent DC Justice League reprints), in which a Smallvill version of the Justice Society of America -- the masked mystery men of the Golden Age, their offsprint and protoges -- show up in Metropolis when their members start getting picked off one after another by a secret kil -- hey, WAIT a minute! We already SAW Watchmen!.

In fact, the script for this two-hour superextravaganza, penned by comics superstart Geoff Johns, isn't bad at all. Lots of lively dialogue, a plot with a few cool twists in it. And the casting for most of heroes of old and new -- Stargirl, Hawkman, Dr. Fate -- isn't bad at all, though some of them get very little to do.

The real problem -- the big problem -- is with the suits.

They're ... well, they're goofy. Michael Stargate Shanks's Hawkman suit because, quite likely, Mike hasn't got the abs for it. They put Stargirl in a uniform that is, unfortunately, way too true to her "masked cheerleader" look in the comics, and add a mask that's so bulky it looks inflated and hair that look like a bad wig. Even Dr. Fate in the cape looks -- well, dumb (though the helmet's cool, we admit that.) In fact, the costume design is such a complete failure that it overshadows all the much better production values of set design, acting, writing and special effects. It basically ruins the show.

When Smallville premiered early in the century, when all Clark and Lana and Lex had to worry about was the "space rock" mutant of the week, there was a hard and fast rule. The producers said Clark would never fly and never put on the stretch-suit and cape. This was all about his life before that, they said. And it turned out to be a very smart move: you could take the characters a little more seriously, even when they were shooting fire out of their eyes or freezing off a victim's fingers, if you didn't have to get past the aesthetic of the stretchy-suit -- a 'look' that works perfectly well in the comics but is terribly, terribly risky in 'real life.' (Ask the costumer designers who have struggled for decades on the Superman and Batman and Spider-Man franchises. It is hard to make a supersuit that doesn't look silly, even on a great body.)

And this just proves they were right -- at least as far as the reach of Smallville can extend. Oddly, the producers' good-hearted desire to remain true to the show's comic book roots is a big part of the problem (as opposed to, say, The Human Target, which bears no resemblance to its DC Comics version, and even hides its funnybook origins). Michael Shanks just doesn't have the big-ass, almost brutish body that could maybe handle the 'real' Hawkman suit, and even that's no guarantee. Stargirl's athletic-shorts-and-halter-top duds look kind of goofy in the comics on purpose -- that Coutney! -- but on film it's just plain embarrassing. And people, please: taking the same design as the stretch-suit and simply doing it up in colored leather is not an answer. It didn't work for one of the many version of the Batsuit and and it didn't work for Dr. Fate here. They would have been far better off doing what they did a couple years back when they introduced Smallvillian versions of the Flash (that is, Impulse), Aquaman (Aquateen? Why does that make us hungry?), and Cyborg, among others: stick with the street clothes and add a little flair, or glow-y eyes. Also: avoid big, thick gloves. And boots of any kind. And please, no sleevless outfits unless you have the guns to justify it (yeah, we're talking to YOU, Shanks .. and in a much nicer way, to YOU, Green Arrow. Rowr!)

Many decades ago, in a different time and for a different company, there was a serious attempt to relaunch then then-moribund X-Men by having the lose their costumes, hit the mean streets, and cruise around in a convertible. No. Seriously. A wonderful artist named Gil Kane, who epitomized the 'look' of Green Lantern for years, gave it his very best effort. But after a very short time, the Powers That Were at Marvel realized that superheroes in street clothes just don't cut the mustard -- not in the comics.

Maybe it's time we admit the opposite: that superheroes in capes and tights have a real tough time being taken seriously on TV. Maybe someday somebody will pull it off ... but not this time. And not on Smallville.

From Watercooler to Parking Lot at the Funeral Home

Remember those TV shows we used to talk about at work the next day? The thrillers or science fiction or cults shows or action series that everybody was watching then; they were the talk of the lunch room and water cooler and the first ten minutes of any committee meeting you didn’t really want to attend. In the old days it was shows like The X-Files, Friends, and ER. More recently, it’s been Battlestar Galactica, Heroes, 24, Survivor, and Lost. And as this season began, you heard some chatter about V and FlashForward.

But here’s the weird thing. According to our patent-pending mega-scientific Rush Survey, there is exactly one show on that list that people are actually still talking about … yet all the rest are still on the air.

What happened?

Lost seems to have reinvigorated its water-cooler status by making a big deal about this being The Final Season. This, of course, implies that the nearly endless series of “wtf?” questions will actually be answered by the end of the arc (but come on, does anyone really believe that?). But the rest? If you asked most people who were avid fans just a season or two ago, they’d give you the copyrighted “ER response:” “What, is that still on?”

Heroes got mucked up in the time-travel repeat-myself add-more-characters-no-MORE-characters! disease in Season Two, then got hit by the writer’s strike and never recovered (this season, sadly, is not much better as well as unwatched)

Battlestar Galactica finished its initial run with a mildly satisfying tie-up, and then tried to bleed turnip stone with a series of spin-offs and prequels that, really, seriously, nobody cares about.

24 just stopped being able to top itself. Once you’ve revealed a black presidents years before Barack Obama was even a blip on the radar and nuked an American city … I mean, really, who cares?

Survivor … excuse us, why did we like Survivor in the first place? Memory fails us …

Meanwhile, this season the two new water cooler possibilities have stumbled right out of the gate. FastForward started with a great first episode, but almost immediately bcame mire in illogic and soap-opera clichés. V ended its very brief first arc on a wildly uninteresting “reveal” and banked on a group of characters that, with the exception of Anna (Morena Baccarin) are dishrag uninteresting and predictable.

There are still shows worth watching. We love us our Human Target and Chuck and Castle and True Blood and Bones and Lie to Me and Leverage and Big Bang Theory and even the occasional Mentalist. But none of those whip up the “gotta see it” compulsiveness of the past.

And once Lost is lost … we all will be.

Gird your loins, people. There void approaches.

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Bye Bye, Echo. We Hardly Knew Ye.

So Dollhouse finishes up with an episode that's a sequel to a year-old episode that never actually ran on FOX.  And if there was ever pure evidence of an idea wasted by ... what, network timidity?  The shortfall of a creative vision?  Or just the structure of American television itself? ... this is the one.

Wonder what would have happened if FOX had been able to accept the idea of, say, a one-season show -- thirteen parts with a stunning opener, an unexpected twist every week, and a killer closing that didn't allow for a second season or sequels?  You know: a story.

Instead, at least according to Whedon, the net forced a rewrite and reshoot of the pilot, played it out of sequence, and broke the back of the progressive concept in exchange for putting Elisha Dushku and her cohorts in really short skirts and silly melodramas for the whole first season. And very soon, very easily, nobody cared anymore. 

It's a bit of a mystery as to why FOX brought Dollhouse back for a second season at all.  Maybe they saw the error of their ways; maybe they simply didn't have anything else in the hopper that was worth a go at the time, and thought Whedon could put the pieces back together.  Ultimately, of course, he couldn't: by the time Echo had become the supercool Women of a Thousand Brains and the true, horrible plan of the Rossum Corporation was fully understood, the cancellation order had been issued, and the audience and moved on.

But the thing is ... it should never have happened.  This story -- at least what we saw of it, right up to the very end -- was perfectly structured for the "British Model."  One season. Maybe two, tops.  Beginning.  Middle.  And a stunning End that actually works. 

So to hell with FOX for screwing the pooch in the beginning, and kudos to same for letting him finish it as it should have begun.  Epitaph Two, the series finale showed us what might have been.  Elisha was never more fierce and beautiful, Whedon’s dialogue never sharper.  Everybody (except maybe poor Summer Glau, who got killed a few eps back) got a chance to shine, and Topher --Fran Kranz -- who started this show as almost pure comic relief, the most smart-assy Whedonesque voice of all, ended as the strongest and most sympathetic player in the bunch (if you blinked you missed him in Donnie Darko; he was wonderful and completely overlooked in The TV Set, a great movie about making a bad TV series – whaaa? – and next he’s doing another Whedon project, a feature called Cabin in the Woods, with – among others – Amy Acker!  Yay!).  Young Adair Tishler, last seen as the power-hunting li'l girl on Heroes, does an amazing, wise, spooky job as "Caroline" stuck in a tiny body (thirteen years old, but does a very convincing ten or eleven).  And also: thanks to whoever brought Alan Tudyk back, even for a few scenes (what, like he wasn’t busy enough with V and Sundance and all?) and gave Felicia Day, sweetheart of the internets, yet another small exposure in the wide world of TV (FOX is clearly Felicia’s friend; she was even more charming than usual in a recent turn on another FOX series, Lie to Me, not to mention that hot-hot pictorial – along with awful copy – about "Twitter celebrities" in the current Vanity Fair.)

FOX had a couple of tough years in there, post X Files.  Except for Bones, they couldn't seem to make any of the right decisions for Rush-type programs, and the disappointments that were Fringe and yes, poor Dollhouse, were the bottom of the trough, so to speak.  (Don’t mention 24.  Please.)  But now there’s the aforementioned Lie to Me and even more recently The Human Target, and things are looking up -- just a little.

You can read a bunch more on Contrariwise, out big-long-essay section. But briefly: Epitaph Two is great.  If only the restof Dollhouse had been half as challenging, exciting, touching, or just plain cool.  You can catch the finale right here on Hulu, and on Fox as well.  It's good stuff, especially if you saw the prequel, Epitaph One, floating around the net or hiding on the Season One DVD.  Either wait, it's worth it.

Too bad it was too late for Joss Whedon and Dollhouse -- not that a season either way would have mattered; it's more like the timing was always off, from the very beginning.  Still, it's a shame: it could have been so cool.  
 

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Book of Eli: Apocaloss



Mad Max. A Canticle for Leibowitz. Fallout 3. Choose your medium, select your story – if you’re a fan of the post-apocalyptic tale of triumph and despair, you’d be better of with any of these than the turgid, self-righteous, morally confused, and plot-challenged lump of grimy preachifying that is The Book of Eli.

Spoiler Warning: it’s virtually impossible to talk about Eli without talking about the ‘secret’ of  “the book” – that is, what book it is. Not to worry, however: it’s all but spray-painted on the lens in the first fifteen minutes, and specifically confirmed in terribly awkward exposition before the first half hour. Besdies, there are plenty of other “twists” at the end that don’t have to be exposed here, if ‘twists’ really matter that much to you. So if you want to know nothing, STOP HERE. Otherwise …

One to Go

The ‘secret’ of the Book is, in fact, so painfully cliché’d and obvious that you really don’t want it to be true. You keep thinking that it can’t be that simple or that obvious; you keep hoping it will actually be The Joy of French Cooking or a big gray book titled To Serve Man. But no. It really is just the Holy Bible. That’s it. Just as you suspected. The only twist: apparently this is the very last copy of the Bible on the whole planet, though it is only thirty years into our future. It seems everyone in the world who survived “The War” and “The Flash” three decades back crawled up out of their shelters shortly after the global disaster, and rather than go find food or build new communities or plant a few crops in the wasteland, they decided instead to find and destroy every single copy of the King James Bible (and, we must assume, Good News for Modern Man and The New Bible and all the other iterations) in a worldwide fit of pique.

Why is Eli (Denzel Washington) so dedicated to this magic book? Because shortly after he crawled up out of the ground, Eli had a vision from God that guided him to the one and only remaining copy of ‘The Book’ (there is a highly manipulative and totally inexplicable refusal to say the word ‘Bible,’ even after the ‘secret’ is no secret at all). And God also told him to take it West, ever West, where it would be safe and he would be protected. So he’s been walking west ever since. For thirty years.

Shortly after our extremely slowly paced story begins, Eli wanders into a tiny, wrecked town in the middle of nowhere (though apparently everywhere is nowhere now), where the leader of the town (Gary Oldman – think ?? from Deadwood without the cussing, and with dirt and rusty metal instead of mud and rotting wood) is equally obsessed with The Book and getting a copy. Why? Because, “it’s not a book,” he bellows – Oldman bellow a lot in this movie, “it’s a WEAPON!” If he has the book, people will listen to him. They will do what he says. He will find the words to make people follow him and he will take over the world – or at least a couple more villages. So he’s sending out rape-gangs and bounty hunters everywhere, anywhere their motorcycles and armored SUVs can carry them, to find the very book that Eli is bringing into town at this very moment.

There is a moment about thirty minutes into the film when the simplest and most logical act would have ended the story then and there. (i.e., how about you search the guy who just killed most of your elite bullyboys in the local saloon for weapons and other interesting stuff before you lock him up for the night?) But that doesn’t happen – as so many illogical and inexplicable things happen and don’t happen in Eli. Instead, we spend the next hour or so watching Eli walk west while Carnegie and his thugs try and stop him, with suspiciously healthy and well-dressed Salana (Mila Kunis) helping him out in the patent-pending Plucky Sidekick Role.

Maybe if that was all it tried to be – a kind of Mad Max Goes West – it wouldn’t have been so bad. But Eli insists on having a message as well, and that presents a host of problems. Among them: (a) We’ve already seen Mad Max, (b) it’s filmed and cut at about half-speed compared to your normal action/adventure flick or almost any film about The End of the World As We Know It And Its Aftermath, and (c) the uncomfortably overly evangelical message at the center of the movie makes absolutely no sense at all.

Other than that … it’s a winner.


Imagine There’s No Country …

The science that The Book of Eli tramples upon is not physics or biology, for a change (though the exactly relationship between ‘The War’ and ‘The Flash’ and the apparent loss of the ozone layer – everyone has to wear sunglasses outside, even blind people -- is never really explained). The real victim here is anthropology. Eli ‘predicts’ the behavior of humans after a disastrous war – long after the war, a couple generations on – in a way that is inconsistent with any historical or anthropological event ever, in the known history of the planet, and replaces it with a vision that is both absurd and disturbingly bitter.

We are told repeatedly that the catastrophe that led to TEOTWAWKI happened thirty years ago; none of the young adults remember “the world before” at all, and the number of adults who do is low and getting lower. Yet the people of Carnegie’s nameless little desert town still have the rusting hulks of automobiles on Main Street, and ragged children playing in rubble that nobody’s bothered to clean up … and they’ve left it there for at least three decades.

The level of ‘civilization’ we see here simply defies human reality or historical precedent. There is little apparent commerce, no real governance, no agriculture, no adaptive technology despite the extreme weather and huge need, no education (pretty much everyone under 30 is illiterate, we are told), no food-gathering or distribution system, no health care despite many injured and damaged people – not even witch-doctors – no art, no storytelling, no rebirth of simple craftsmanship (you’d think, for instance, a self-taught bowmaker would do great business post-apocalyptically speaking), and not even any music of the saw-and-gut-bucket variety. The living people fall into two categories -- victims and thugs – and the thugs rule the world, hands down and asses up. They exert their power through an apparently unchallenged, homicidal control over the water – more valuable than gold in this new, endless desert-world. Yet they still somehow seem to have gasoline, and though there are virtually no animals left except buzzards and the occasional cat, people seem less concerned about eating that drinking.

All of this – absent the “Bible” thing – might be acceptable in the residents of a shell-shocked village a month or even a year after a global catastrophe. But not thirty years. Some semblance of a real civilization would have to grow here, even a twisted and diseased one (as in, for instance, Bartertown in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome). But ‘refugee status’ is not a permanent social state of being; we have seen that even in the most horrible circumstances, like Somalia or Caucescu’s Czhechoslovakia or Pol Pot’s Cambodia after their respective descents into chaos. It seems equally absurd that there would be no attempt to even try and make this devastated world a more livable place, through cleverness or simply the recapture of the ‘lost’ technologies. But the people of Eli have descended to a kind of mute savagery that’s closer to Morlocks without the Eloi than it is to humanity, and there’s no real explanation as to why we have fallen so far so fast, and why there isn’t even the failed attempt at recovery.

This isn’t a transplanted town of the Old West, despite the genre-specific similarities. This is civilization seen as an eternal refugee camp, filled with people who are more like Morlocks than humans, with all the filth and hopelessness that implies.


…And No Religion, Too

But the biggest implausibility centers around The Book itself. Not just that every single copy of the world’s most-read, most-printed, most-memorized book has been completely and utterly lost in thirty years’ time – that alone is more than a little ridiculous. It’s the idea, perpetrated in a number of ways throughout the film, that the very idea of religion – apparently the idea of God him/herself – has been lost and forgotten in a few short years. Its best (or worst) illustration is embodied in one particularly embarrassing scene – one that evoked audible groans from the crowd of critics at a recent screening – when Mila Kunis’ character tries to show her astonished mother the previously undreamt of, brand new idea of “saying grace” that Eli taught her the night before, implying that even the most basic notion of prayer seems to have been forgotten. Oldman’s bully-boy bossman has to tell her how to end this nameless ‘thing’ she’s learned from Eli. “Amen,” he grumbles. “The word you’re looking for is Amen.” As if even than fundamental idea – one absolutely essential and universal to virtually any society during its darkest times – has been burned out of the human mind.

This isn’t just rickety world-building, done simply to prove a point or make a metaphor (though it’s that as well). This is also bad science -- in this case anthropology rather than physics or biochemistry.

Come on, people: Every society, at every level of development has its God or Gods; all of them have some sort of prayer or petitioning process, some means to communicate with their deities. To presuppose that Americans – or any human society, really – would lose the fundamental notion of God and Religion, and would do it in a single thirty-year span, is just too much to accept.

And then there’s the religious notion that empowers Eli’s quest – the idea that the Book – the book itself, not the messages it carries – has some magical, talismanic property. Without the presence, the magical power, of the King James Bible, the movie tells us, people have descended into post-literate barbarism; we’re told that humans will begin to act human again only with the resurrection of the Bible itself – and even then, only if it’s returned to the ‘right’ hands; otherwise this magic book will become a weapon of mass destruction instead of salvation.

The ideas that are memorialized in the Bible are barely acknowledged here, much less discussed, beyond the recitation of a few of its most painfully obvious verses and a misremembrance of the Golden Rule. But the book, the book, is of supreme importance, worth nearly endless bloodshed to move to its true destination … which is really nothing more than a return to the hands of a slightly less revolting but no less isolated elite.

What’s more, it’s worth noting that Denzel’s Eli is not, by any stretch, a Christian or a hero – not even one of those reluctant-hero types. He does not preach the Bible’s teachings – he can’t even bear to say the name of the book aloud until the last ten minutes of the movie, and you won’t hear the name of “Jesus” at all in Eli -- not once. He does not behave like Jesus, either; quite the contrary, he ignores those in need when he encounters them on the road; he keeps even the very existence of the Word to himself, constantly denying he even has the book at all, and he evades or kills anyone who gets in his way as he continues his relentless vision quest. If there is an underlying message about religion in this film, the message is that religion is an amoral force, one that can be used for good or evil, without any intrinsic positive value at all. That, and the idea that humans, left to their own devices, are just No Damn Good; that given half a chance (and no magic Bibles to stop it), we will sink into grimy barbarism and self-destruction, up to and including cannibalism, in the space of a single generation.

Not exactly a message of hope.

The plot itself has some significant difficulties that really don’t matter in the long run, and the implicit geography of the post apocalyptic world is just plain wrong. Worst of all, the last fifteen minutes of the movie, in which the Book’s ultimate fate is revealed and all the twists begin to explode like land mines planted along the way, is almost laughably problematic. But there is a visual power in Eli, and throughout we are clearly in the hands of some very talented actors that can make us keep watching no matter what we might be thinking.

Still … bottom line? You’ll get a better post-apocalyptic pop from The Road, Mad Max, A Canticle for Leibowitz, or even Fallout 3 than you’ll get from The Book of Eli.

Proceed at your own risk.

What's Wrong with Avatar?

At this moment, in the midst of the frenzy, not caring for Avatar is like dissing Dr. Seuss, or insulting Monty Python. People look at you with a combination of confusion and pure, personal hurt. “How could you?” Or more precisely, “What’s wrong with you?”

But I didn’t care for it. Sorry, I just didn’t. Avatar left me cold. Unimpressed. Not elated or angry; not filled with hate or transported. And not so much disappointed as just … meh

At first I thought my fellow science fiction fans, as jaded and often betrayed as I, would join me in standing up to declare the emperor was missing his jock strap, but … nope. Even guys like Harry “Ain’t-It-Cool-News” Knowles were wildly positive, at once saying it was just like or even better than John Carter of Mars (how right he was! See below…) while at the same time saying it was like nothing he’d ever seen before.

I turned to the younger set, to gamers, who have seen better CGI on the Xbox that Avatar offered. And here, too: most of the sixteen-year-old gamers (of both genders) that I talked with were as crazy for the movie as their elders. The same guys who shrugged at Twilight and are totally over Harry Potter.

I feel alone. I feel as if I’ve failed some test for having a sense of wonder, that 55 years of exposure to bad movies and good special effects has finally taken
its toll.

But I’m not like that. I’m not. I really believe that the reaction to Avatar is wildly out of scale with its accomplishment; that it is derivative at best; that it does not represent a high water mark in film, storytelling, or technology.
There are a few gaps in the wall of wild-ass positivism. Some have pointed out that the story is nothing special – but then they immediately move on to florid praise for the characters, or the depth and detail of the manufactured Na’avi culture, or the amazing CGI/live action meld.

But it’s not true. None of it. There are better examples of mythic storytelling, character development (even in fantasies), world-building and even CGI/live action interaction than what we’re seeing here – recent ones, in widely available media.
I have thought about this long and hard. I’m willing to talk about it in some detail, if only to explain that I’m not really such a bad guy.

Same Story, Different Day

Avatar’s plot, simply put, is at best trite, sloppy at the center and end to end, and at worst insulting.

Trite: The “foreigner saves the local savages” plot was old when Edgard Rice Burroughs blew through it in the John Carter of Mars series (note that: we’ll be coming back to Carter and Burroughs many times). Using terms like “classic” or “mythic” or “archetypal” to describe a tired old plot we’ve seen before does not excuse it; it’s still just a tired old plot we’ve seen before. The cliché’s are as abundant as the trees on this arboreal world: the evil corporation, the crazy militarist, the noble savages (another ‘archetype’ we will revisit), the outsider falling in love with the princes, the bitter monarch who sees the error of his/her ways too late. There’s not a character or a concept here that doesn’t’ ring a dozen bells of recognition; the one-page treatment of this plot wouldn’t get past a lower-echelon reader in any modern studio or publishing house. We have seen all of it, all of it, every scintilla of it, before. Repeatedly.

Sloppy: The premise and the plot itself are both almost painfully illogical. Begin with the cursory presentation of of the RDA’s, the “let’s rape nature” corporation’s, motives for being on Pandora in the first place. “Unobtainium”? Really? Twelve years of story development, and that’s the best Cameron could come up with? An awkward 30 seconds of exposition about a mythical element that’s absolutely essential, apparently does not exist on or near Earth, and so gob-smackingly valuable it warrants a five-year trip across interstellar space and the subjugation of an entire planet? We are asked to accept from the outset and without explanation that an Earth 150 years in the future has a technology so advanced it can travel (albeit slowly) to the stars, clone humans and recombine DNA, but hasn’t found an alternative energy system – not solar, not fusion, not even the mining of the asteroids or other planets – but instead has to travel five light years to dig some rock out o the earth to save humankind. And not even a single sentence acknowledging the unlikelihood, or at least the irony, of that situation. It’s so hollow it hurts.

In fact, Earth’s current state is scarcely mentioned at all outside of one short, sarcastic, and hideously stilted speech by Giovanni Ribisi’s corporate shill character. There’s not so much as a moment’s screen-time given to portraying the desperate situation at home, though it wouldn’t have taken much; 2009’s overlooked and underrated sf film Pandorum (forgive the unintentional similarity in names) manages to communicate exactly that same situation in a few deft strokes at the beginning of its own deep-space-chase adventure. No, in Avatar, we’re just here and we have to destroy the planet to get what we want and that’s that. No arguments.

As deep as that flaw might be, if that was the sum total of the film’s difficulties, even a nitpicker like me could probably overlook it. But the illogical and convenient fractures in the plot just keep coming:

• The RDA is shown as vastly superior in firepower and untouchable by the natives; the worst the Na’vi can do is put arrows into the tires of the corporation’s massive transport vehicles, apparently without ill effects, And yet the military branch of the RDA can’t control the natives after years and years, and they are still a ‘problem’ too big to handle. You’d think by now they would simply ignore them; they can’t do any real damage to the mega-machines or the soldiers encased in steel.

• The “unobtanium” deposit in question is under one of the apparently thousands of world-trees that connect the tribes to the planet. And we have no interest on what’s on top of the ground (or even the tree itself), just what’s under it. So if the RDA is truly as insensitive and acquisitive as it seems, why not simply round up the Na’vi tribe and move it halfway round the world, where even the most determined members can’t get back, and then mine away to their heart’s content? This isn’t a world-spanning disaster, it’s a case of moving one indigenous tribe of a few hundred people away from a valuable mining operation. We’ve done it a hundred times, everywhere from Brazil to South Africa to the Arctic. Involuntary relocation isn’t a good thing to do, maybe, but it’s hardly the breakpoint of an entirely planetary occupation.

• We are told at the outset that the Na’vi are notoriously ‘hard to kill’ and yet … they’re not. Other than being 20% bigger and faster than your normal human, they seem to die quite readily from a hail of bullets, flame throwers, or simply being crushed by trees. If at its core the RDA is just a violence machine that wants that mysterious element for its own, wholesale slaughter seems an easy alternative. What’s the big deal? And why hasn’t it happened already?

• There seems to be no command structure at all. We have one (scarred and nutty) “Colonel” in charge, and even as he becomes increasingly irrational, he’s never called to task, nor do his nameless and voiceless subordinates every raise any questions. Think about it: this guy broke the atmosphere seal on the station, risking the lives of all the men and women in his charge, just to shoot at a few escaping traitors – unsuccessfully, no less. And yet there is no challenge from higher up or question from below. And the same goes for Ribisi. A trazillion-dollar operation run by a callow thirty-year-old and a psychotic colonel, with no oversight? Really? If this mission and the “unobtainium” it represents is so all-fired important to Earth, why would they put a nutbar in charge and not even try to supervise him? There were even people who questioned Jack D. Ripper in Strangelove (and come to think of it, these two characters resemble each other – almost as much as they both resemble Sarge in Small Soldiers).

• The RDA thought the scientists were important enough to fund, put on the planet, and even support … but they let the military roll right into Eden with its killing-machines without telling them, risking not one but two of their insanely expensive clone-bodies. Why have the avatars there at all if you’re going to ignore them? Simply drag them off-planet and save the oxygen. Otherwise ... they don’t even talk? Not so much as a phone call before finally destroying the Na’vi?

• So the RDA is truly ‘defeated’ by the Na’vi and driven off the planet by this one battle? They actually lost all of their ordnance, and the ability to make more killing machines, in this one sortie? The entire reason for coming to Pandora, the overwhelming technological commitment to stay there for so long, is that fragile?

… and on and on and on.

It’s one thing to pick away at a single plot hole or coincidence; it’s another to have trouble following or believing in the basic plot because it simply doesn’t make sense.

Insulting: I’m actually surprised that a host of commentators with credentials in political correctness haven’t brought this up already. Notice that the Na’vi, after decades of domination by humans, are incapable of saving themselves. They’ve barely been able to survive at all. Only a human, in blue drag, has the courage, brains, and vision to save them. This really is, like South Park says, Dances with Smurfs. It’s one thing to have a newcomer, or a Westerner, be used as a window of understanding onto a new or unknown culture; it’s entirely different to make him and only him the change agent, while making the natives stupid and suicidally resistant. One is respectful and open-minded; the other is arrogant and imperialistic.

The Lethal Atmosphere Question

And then there’s than non-breathable atmosphere -- the one element that actually could have offered some interesting and even non-cliched speculation, thrown into the mix and largely ignored.

At one level, it’s an incredibly convenient plot detail. Since the planet is irrevocably lethal to human habitation, it avoids the most obvious exploitation by Earth: colonization. With a single stroke, the real issues of imperialism are rendered moot. We don’t want this planet for ourselves; we can’t use it as a new home. And there can never be ‘real’ contact between our people and theirs, because we can’t even be in the same room (or open field) without suffocating. So skip all those annoying and complex issues – this is so much simpler.

On another level, it makes the entire strategy of the RDA even more nonsensical. Since we cannot put human workers on the ground without huge expense and risk, and even then only temporarily, and since there is an intelligent and organized species that can exist in this hostile environment … why hasn’t slavery even been mentioned? It is, after all, an economic imperative, and the RDA is all about economics. With all this brain-science advancement – enough to make Avatars to begin with – we didn’t even think about either enlisting or enslaving the only creatures that can work these mines without survival technology? We either want to ignore them or kill them, and nothing else?

For one brief moment, I thought this detail might lead to an actual fresh idea: that the RDA’s real mission was to terraform the planet, to use the “unobtainium” to kill all the Pandorans, in all those tribes, and take the planet for its own. The morality of that kind of imperialism, and the tragic binary nature of the dilemma, would make for some very interesting nuances: let this primitive people live, even if your own planet dies in the process? But no – it never comes up.
Cameron seems to have thrown the unbreathable atmosphere in as a way to heighten tension (he uses the “take a deep breath and keep fighting” bit at least three times) without giving its real implications a moment’s thought. And we’re all the poorer for it.


A Brave, Old World

Much and much more has been made of the wondrous world of Pandora, and how eye-opening, amazing, different it is. For the most part, I’ve chalked this up to viewers and reviewers who haven’t read a science fiction novel written in the last fifty years or so; in truth, Pandora is just a beautifully rendered Earthly rainforest with fantasy elements added, and the Na’vi aliens are humanoids prettified with big-cat DNA. Attractive, yes, but … different?
A number of sf writers have struggled with and explored the concepts of real ‘alienness’ in recent decades, whether it’s extraterrestrials, artificial intelligence, or paranormal. Others, like Niven/Pournelle’s Known Space series and a zillion movies and TV shows, have reveled in the concept of aliens as evolved or disguised Earth creatures. There are dog-aliens, bird-aliens, slug-aliens, lizard-aliens, insect-aliens and, of course, cat/lion-aliens. A glance through most sf comics or the DC and Marvel Universes, will tell you the same story, and there’s nothing wrong with that particular thought experiment. There’s just nothing new about it. In fact, short of the leaner build and bluer fur, Jake’s Na’avi form isn’t far from the Disney version of The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, or the Ron Perlman’s Vincent in the 1987 television series of the same name: the tragically beautiful lion-man.

Virtually all the ‘alien’ creatures of this ‘new’ world are equally familiar – old wine in polished-up bottles. The hammer-headed megadons are rogue rhinos who become battle-elephants; the beautifully colored flying lizards are obviously dragons with a bit of eagle thrown in (and writers and artists alike have fantasized about riding dragons or eagles in fantasy literature for a hundred years or more); there’s a horse-analog as well, and the friendly little jellyfish that float around Sully on more than one occasion aren’t even in disguise: they’re jellyfish that float in the air rather than the water. The plant life, too, is a color-variant on the rain forest; the healing tree is something like Spanish moss on a weeping willow; the Tree of Voices in an impossible huge oak, and the world-tree icon itself exists in everything from Norse mythology to E.R. Eddison to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle: the world as a Big Damn Tree.

The culture of the Na’vi is almost startling in its familiarity as well. With bits and pieces lifted visually from Native Americans, Celts, and African tribes, they are presented as essentially, Super-Pagans, what Druids would have become if we’d left them alone. They are a science fictional twirl on Dryden’s Noble Savage, a human who is connected to the planetary spirit, to Gaia, through some mystical connections (though Sigourney Weaver’s character is given a couple of lines of randomly assembled sentences using quantum Ai.I. and brain-biology terminology to make that connection seem ‘real’ on Pandora, rather than ‘religious’ on Earth.). But Romantic Primitivism isn’t a new concept in anthropology or in popular fiction; once again, every cultural concept implied or explicit in the Na’vi culture comes from human cultures hundreds and even thousands years old. And the Na’vi don’t do anything with this apparent super-power. They’re just connected – and therefore, one assume, a little bit holy.

There are also some almost embarrassing echoes of other pop-lit icons present in the Na’ai culture. The long sequence of Sully and Neytiri dashing through the branches of the world-tree is uncomfortably reminiscent of Disney’s bland but energetic version of Tarzan not so long ago. The swaying bodies and luminous ceremonies are painfully evocative of Disney’s The Lion King, right down to the close-up of the flat-nosed, lion-eyed characters looking both nobly feline and human at the same time. We have been here before, recently, and not in a good way.
The point is not that it’s badly done; for the most part it’s beautiful. But it’s nothing new; it’s nothing we haven’t seen in literature and even on film over and over, so this constant drumbeat of “Avatar has redefined film; Avatar has used startling new technology to create world as real as our own, one you have never seen before” simply doesn’t work for me.


The ‘Amazing’ Technology

Is this what is enthralling the critics and audience so much? The “seamless” melding of live action and CGI, the “new” variation on 3-D technology? Because there seems to be very little ‘there’ there.

I cannot begin to understand the comments about “a new kind of storytelling;” there is literally nothing new about the way Cameron tells the story – not in terms of structure, composition, camera movements, or character. Cinematically, it’s astonishingly old-school. From a storyboard/shot-for-shot perspective, this is a very standard piece of storytelling; lots of uninspired but workmanlike shot composition -- two-shots, establishing shots, close-ups, both in the live action and the animated worlds. And nothing outré; Cameron avoids anything like handheld camera work, extended and (without CGI) impossible zooms or Hitchcockian dollies, extreme angles that other technologically advanced film-forms are prone to. The only slightly unusual cinematic detail is the somewhat expected number of unnecessary and intrusive camera-moves that are there just to show off the 3-D effects – moving in front of the semi-transparent (and truly cool-but-impractical) monitor screens for yet another 3-D moment, or dollying left-right/left-right in front of a writhing victim of na’avi arrows, so the shafts can ‘stick out’ of the screen at the viewer. This is camera movement that exists only for the tech; if you’re watching a flat-screen version of the film, it’s almost as distracting as watching Vincent Price in House of Wax, constantly looming forward/back, forward/back simply to make the audience go “ah.”

As for the marriage of CGI and live-action – the fact is, it isn’t married much at all, especially in the first 90% of the film. We see almost nothing but live action among the humans, while the Na’vi world is entirely CGI. In fact, the whole concept of the cloned Avatars makes it easy to keep that separation intact even as key characters move back and forth, notably Worthington and Weaver. The recombinant DNA angle even allows their avatars to look like their human counterparts, so even the least attentive audience member can’t get confused. Except for a few shots of the Avatar floating in a tank early on – safely unconscious and separate from live-action interaction – these two worlds exist entirely apart from each other, and even side-by-side comparisons are carefully avoided without the intervention of TV monitors or long shots.

When the two worlds finally interact directly in the last battle scenes, the action is fast, blurred, and explosive, with Lucasfilm-like quick cuts and motion that don’t the viewer more than milliseconds to see the match-cuts or variations between live ation and CGI. Speed, fast editing, and context make it tough to compare. In fact, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, with a completely different design and pace, does a far better job of marrying live action and awesomely naturalistic CGI in a truly undetectable whole, scene after scene, for hours and hours, even when cut and viewed at a leisurely pace.

One of the weakest examples of the ‘marriage’ is in the final death scenes of Sigourney Weaver’s characters, where the superimposition of her live-action face in the lighted faceplate of her digital body double is hard not to notice. The single scene in which`Sully and Neytiri interact directly – Sully’s ‘death’ scene -- is a series of alternating one-shots; straight comparison of the human version of Sully and the cartoon Na’vi is skillfully avoided, and the final, sullen evacuation of the humans by Na’avi and Avatars a few minutes later is a short series of moving long shots, where no one speaks (the narration handles it) or touches, once again avoiding direct interaction as much as possible. This is no Roger Rabbit; this isn’t a the latter-day iteration of Yoda or Gollum. This is two worlds – one live-action, one animated – existing side-by-side, with some fairly ragged work at the interfaces. If anything makes these worlds function together as a single whole, it’s the story, not the tech … and if the story doesn’t work for you, then the technology won’t help.

The Re-Re-Rebirth of Edgar Rice Burroughs

Rumor has it that Cameron’s going to do something ‘easy’ next – a film version of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter of Mars. This is a smart move; he has the team and the technology already in place to make a great adaptation of this hundred-year-old classic. In fact, he’s already made it.

Avatar IS John Carter, with a thin anti-corporate pro-Pagan shell, including the primitive empire, the exotic creatures, the stubborn and warlike locals, and the savior from another world in love with the planetary princess. Maybe it will take the completion of this other film to show the wider world how truly unoriginal Avatar is: not in the mind of James Cameron (who, quite, frankly, has always been an expert at adaptation, not originality – just ask Harlan Ellison) but in the works of Burroughs, and in the notions of romantic primitivism that extend another two hundred and fifty years farther into the past. We’re not talking Pandora here – there is nothing new in this box. We’re talking Barsoom. And Carter visited Mars for the first time in 1912, almost a hundred years ago.

I do hope the technological improvements continue – not the 3-D stuff; I could live to a much riper and older age and be quite content without wearing the glasses yet again. (Where’s that holodeck we were promised back in the Fifties?) But the easier, cheaper, and more flexible we can make the marriage of CGI and live action the better, though I continue to think Lord of the Rings and even the poor, beleagured Star Wars tech did that just as well or better long before Avatar premiered. I want to see more Roger Rabbits; I want to finally see Ringworld or Rendezvous with Rama or any of half a dozen Greg Bear novels; I want to see Howard the Duck done right, or even E.E. “Doc” Smith or King’s Dark Tower or These Mortal Engines. (In fact, I hear Steven Jackson is condsidering Mortal Engines as his next project. Yes!) So please: continue.

But what I saw this week in Avatar was really not much more than a beautifully designed design of a poorly told Burroughs pastiche. It is certainly nothing new or eye-opening, and certainly not the future of cinema as we know it. I think we’ve already seen that future, and this isn’t it. At least I hope not.
Meanwhile, have I lost my sense of wonder – or even my ability to experience that pure, simple “wow” in the dark? I don’t think so. I’ve felt it recently – most recently and more than once with Iron Man, which may be the world’s first truly good superhero movie, and the most recent Potter. Avatar just didn’t have the tools to trigger it in me. And I have to believe there are others that feel as I do; they’re just afraid to speak up, and I don’t blame them. Right now, talking trash about Avatar is like saying you enjoy the taste of baby seal.

As far as I’m concerned, that elusive sense of wonder has to come from something that is perceived as either never seen before or perfectly represented amd better than imagined. None of that is present in Avatar for me; just moderately clever variations on old, old material.